Acracktsuki
by Crystaline-Crimson
Summary: A quest to write one chapter for each of the 89 possible Akatsuki pairings. 17/89 done. Number seventeen: SasoKonan
1. KisaIta

AN: Okay, so… Welcome to Acracktsuki! XD I can't think of a better title, if you can't tell. It is my mission to get through every single possible Akatsuki pairing ever. This includes dominance switches, so I'll be doing, say, ItaZetsu and ZetsuIta – they count as separate pairings. Doing the 'canon' ones (aka, the partner shippings) first, then the crack ones have literally been ordered via a random number generator. Well, I hope you enjoy this. :3 Onwards and upwards!

**KisaIta – Irrelevant.**

Hoshigaki Kisame is a proud man – he will readily admit this. He is a proud man, but is in no way vain. He despises his appearance and fully believes that it is something to despise. Well, '_who wouldn't?_' – after all, his skin is blue, adorned with unsightly looking gills, his teeth razor sharp ('_who would want to kiss a man who'd make your mouth bleed with just one wrong move?_'), his build '_too tall, too stocky_'. No, he is not a vain man, but he is proud. After all, he has great faith in his abilities and his sword.

Kisame knows that any other person would disagree with him when he says that Itachi-san is neither of those things (vain or proud). Yes, the young Uchiha is an amazing fighter, a truly terrifying foe to face, his genjutsu unrivalled, his ninjutsu perfect and his taijutsu impenetrable. This is, of course, Kisame's opinion of the teenager (though it is hard at times to remember that the boy has not even yet reached his twentieth birthday). But he is neither vain nor proud. Itachi-san will agree with him out loud, as Itachi-san will never admit a fault out loud. But Itachi-san, on the inside, really just doesn't believe has anything to be vain or proud _about_.

The Uchiha is beautiful. Kisame doesn't think that anyone could ever disagree with this. But he knows that Itachi-san does not believe that he is beautiful – and it breaks the shark-man's heart every time he sees his partner frown at his own reflection. And for all his talents, Itachi-san is constantly striving to be _better_, which Kisame firmly believes is impossible.

Unfortunately, Kisame knows that he, himself, is a proud man because he knows that he is _talented_. But he _knows_ that he's talented, and therefore he _knows_ that he's proud, and therefore he _knows_ that he can fairly evaluate himself. And so when he says he has nothing to be vain about, he _knows_ it's true. If that even _makes_ sense… But his logic never really did make sense to anyone else. He just, by his logic, can say that he's damn ugly and he can know it's true. He spent a while coming up with the theory to self-depreciate himself with no guilt.

Unfortunately, talent will only get you so far. It'll get you the rewards and the gold, but never the 'girl'.

So when Itachi asked him - for the fifth time that day - what he was looking at, Kisame just tore his gaze from his partner again and – for the fifth time that day – simply replied with a 'nothing'.

Itachi-san doesn't need to know that Kisame has been in love with the prodigy from the first time he saw him. It's irrelevant, and Kisame simply isn't pretty enough for him.

AN: I hope you enjoyed. X3 Review, please? 3 And if we get enough comments in favour of doing a certain pairing earlier, it might get moved forward significantly. 3 But without fail, the next pairing will definitely be SasoDei. :3


	2. SasoDei

AN: Good evening, how're you? This next one is kinda short, I'm sorry. The next one is longer, but not by that much! Not much else to say. I forgot the disclaimer, but does anyone REALLY HONESTLY think I own Naruto?! Not fapping over Sasuke Not Kishimoto. Simple. 3 This drabble doesn't need to up the rating, does it?

**SasoDei – Ownership**

Iridescent blue thread, shimmering with the glitter of the moon. Unbreakable - and unholy – and deceptively beautiful. It is tied around his wrists, looped around posts on his bed. It pins him down and keeps him there, though Deidara doesn't think he'd be going anywhere even if he were free. Chakra strings, after all, are not what tie him to his Danna.

The puppet (the puppeteer) bites down on the soft flesh of his neck and Deidara can only whimper.

"D-Danna…"

_M-Master…_

It gives Sasori such a sense of power. And it is at times like this when he can kid himself that Deidara is one of his puppets, yet so much softer and sweeter (especially to taste). Deidara is just one of his puppets at moments like this. Sasori _owns_ him. His is _Master_ Sasori, _Sasori-Danna_.

And, oh, nothing can feel better than that.

AN: There we go. You can't go too long watching my stories without getting some kinky dominance issues in at least one of them! Ahah, sorry. n.n' Next one is a fluffy one… Hmmm, should I say the pairing this time? Nah, I think I'll just let you wait:3

Remember: Requesting a pairing may make it get done sooner! Also, feel free to give me any one word/one phrase prompts with or without pairing requests! 3 They're fun. :3


	3. PeinKonan

AN: Good evening. It seems to be a trend to upload every two days. Why not continue that trend for as long as possible? Of course, you're lucky I wrote this a while ago. I wouldn't have been able to make the update today otherwise. My throat glands're all swollen up. It's painful.

**PeinKonan – Fairy lights**

Konan is a strong, independent woman. She needs no one, and is quite certain that few people need her. In shinobi life, dependence is usually seen as a sign of weakness. And Konan is one kunoichi that will never go bragging about any kind of weakness. That's why she'll never have kids – she doesn't want to feel any more love; especially not a mother's love. She's scared of loving her children because it's simply more weakness that she doesn't want. She's scared of_ losing_ her child, because she's scared of the weakness that it will bring her psychologically. Of course, most of all, she's scared that she won't be able to love that child well enough – she's not had the chance to learn from experience, after all. And she doesn't want to plague another little baby with a mother who doesn't know how to love her.

In any case, weakness is something that one can not always help. It is sometimes a characteristic of the human body to have aversions to certain things – such as _absolutely fucking freezing _temperatures that leave her trying (and failing miserably) not to shiver as they wait. They are perched on a simple garden gate in a long-since abandoned village. Pein has activated the Rinnegan and the 'five other Peins' are stationed so that there is no chance of anybody (anyone, that is, who is not meant to be there) disturbing their peace. Of course, the man that _is bloody meant to be there already_ has not yet showed up.

Konan is trying very hard not to whine or complain, because that would severely annoy Pein. She knows that he has been waiting just as long as he has, has had the exact same weather scratch at him as she has had, and he has used much more chakra than her in securing their location. _And_ he is probably even _more_ annoyed than her about this _idiot_ not yet turning up. So she will not complain.

She has a feeling that when this contact does decide to _get his bloody arse into gear and hurry the hell up_, he may not receive a quite-so-kindly response from her partner. They may have to lose another contact if Pein gets too annoyed.

But it's _so bloody cold _and she has started shivering now. Once she starts, she can't stop, and she figures that it's the reason the village is absent of any form of life. They probably all froze to death. There is snow on the ground all around them. A thick sheet of snow on icy ground that she doesn't think deserves it. Strung along a crumbling building, there are a few sets of fairy lights. It does not make her smile. It's too cold to smile, too cold to do anything but shiver and sit there on that mossy, snowy garden wall. But when she turns her delicate, feminine face to him, her lips slightly parted to raise a question to her heavily pierced partner, she is surprised by the sudden warm around her shoulders.

He has forgone his cloak, sitting there with lips that are kind of blue from the cold and are curved up a little to make that soft smile that she had, at some point during their life together, fallen in love with. He has such soft smile to match eyes that are _just_ as soft and sweet, but those eyes are covered in a layer of harsh greys that simply don't suit him. But he is sitting there next to her, his half-fishnet shirt on his torso, plain black pants over his legs and sandals (ridiculous in this weather) on his feet; absent of his cloak.

He makes a tiny motion of a nod towards the garment over her shoulders and she understands the meaning – '_you can keep it for now'_. She blinks, still surprised, and feels a blush start to adorn her cheeks. Biting her lip slightly, she looks to the ground, well aware that he is now laughing softly at her own girlishness.

_This is why you didn't want to fall in love_.

But she's done it now, and she can't take it back. Doesn't want to take it back.

His hands are lightly brushing over her shoulders, feeling like electricity through the heavy Akatsuki cloak (_he must be freezing now without it_ but she doesn't want to say anything in case the moment passes), as he wraps it further around her over her own cloak. She is smiling so much now and tries to glance up at him – but courage evades her and instead her eyes fall on fairy lights. She's never liked those simple decorations quite so much in her entire life.

She wonders how many of these moments those delicate lights have witnessed.

And they are the last thing she sees before she feels his lips on hers and her eyelids instantly, slowly shut.

AN: Hope you enjoyed. The next one has not yet been written and will, therefore, probably not get uploaded that quickly! Next update day will most likely be a drabble not uploaded into this story. It's TobiZetsu with ObiKaka and ObiRin. So yeah, you guys, if you like these drabbles then maybe take a look at the rest of my stuff, and/or author alert me too. Of course, this is just me shamelessly plugging my own work. But hey, you don't have to read it if you don't want. As for the next Acracktsuki chapter – I'll give you a clue. It's possibly the least canon of the 'canon' ones. :3 I'll try and write it soon! XD


	4. DeiTobi

AN: Sorry about those who have already read the chapter and don't care to read an updated version of the same chapter, when the content hasn't actually been changed. It's just this author's note that has been added. Sorry about taking so long to update this, but I've been ill off and on for ages. Anyway, I just would like to say: Just don't bother to review if ALL you can say is 'this pairing is shit' or 'i cannot believe you dislike this pairing!!' in the case of DeiTobi. Which I do not like, but have written early for one awesome person. 3 Next WILL be ZetsuTobi. I'm not kidding. XD After that's out of the way, the chapters will come more quickly. It seems I've drained my ZetsuTobi muse dry. D: In other news, anyone want to beta for this story?

**DeiTobi - Reminiscences**

"Deidara-sempai, please stop crying!" he whined, scared for his partner and the tears that were falling from the single eye unhidden by hair and metal.

"You want me to stop crying, Tobi, un?! I'll fucking stop fucking crying if you fucking leave me the fuck alone, UN!" His voice and words were irrational – Deidara didn't care. He was screaming with far too many emotions to be sensible (for an S-Rank ninja), but he really did not care. Bad dreams of a redhead puppet, added to the loneliness of a town crowded with people who had no empathy for him whatsoever… it was getting too much for the blonde. They (the people outside, bustling around in worlds of their own) didn't even know who these two strange men were.

"Tobi should… go?" A mask lay on an already cluttered table of a cheap hotel room, and its absence took away the concealment of the concerned features of a man much older than Deidara. Scars over a single side of his face, it was oddly reminiscent of the plant-man back at 'home'. But Deidara was not thinking of Zetsu at that moment. The only thought that passed through his mind was the imagined feeling of skin against his face (skin made of wood, skin that he'd never physically be able to feel again because _his_ skin _wasn't_ skin, and no one else had skin made of _wood_, did they?). And the only feeling that he was gripped with was the emptiness that that wooden skin had been replaced by. The Sharingan wielder (with only one eye left to boast of) moved towards the table, to retrieve his mask.

"Tobi will go." The mask was fitted after offering a cheerful smile (it did not reach his one eye, but it didn't stop him trying to force happiness upon his companion), and gloves were once again pulled over mismatched hands (one with skin as smooth as kunai incidents would allow; the other mangled from rocks crushing his body). Different hands altogether suddenly grasped at the back of his T-Shirt, and he stilled.

"D-Don't…" For the first time, Deidara could not imagine anything worse right now than Tobi leaving. He did not want to be alone, not if his only companions were the reminiscences of a redheaded puppet with a wooden caress against a smooth face.

And the taller man was happy to sit there on that cheap hotel bed with the crying blonde, happy to just be a shoulder to cry on. He knew he was a poor substitute for Sasori, but he didn't particularly care to _be_ Sasori. Even if the blonde was wishing for nothing more than for Tobi become Sasori, so that the he could be properly comforted with wooden skin and tickling red strands of hair. If he closed his eyes hard enough, Tobi _was_ Sasori.

And Tobi never questioned why Deidara would not open his eyes.


	5. ZetsuTobi

AN: This took so long

AN: This took so long. XD I apologise. If I wasn't feeling so nice today, I'd make you wait longer, 'cause I don't like uploading two stories in one day. –ebil face-.

**ZetsuTobi – Lollypop Taste-Tests**

Tobi reminded them of a lollypop, all swirls and bright colours and a mask that looked like it could be made out of candy. Black Zetsu wondered if Tobi _tasted_ like a lollypop. White Zetsu blushed and squealed that Black Zetsu shouldn't say things like that. Black Zetsu reasoned, **'well, why not?' **And White Zetsu countered that Black Zetsu would want to _test_ those theories if he said them out loud. And half of their face grinned and a scratching voice uttered, **'what a good idea.'**

When bi-coloured lips eventually found an opportunity to crush against the Uchiha's, it was to be concluded that yes, Tobi _did_ taste as sweet as a candy. Well, at least White Zetsu thought so. Black Zetsu disagreed. He'd thought that Tobi had tasted nothing like candy at all, because Black Zetsu _hated_ the taste of candy, and very much _liked_ the taste of Tobi. Tobi, to him, tasted of fresh corpse, but neither of them particularly wanted to see if he'd taste the same _as_ a fresh corpse…

On the other hand, while they disagreed completely on the taste of their lollypop lover, they both agreed that there would have to be many more kisses in order to fully determine the exact taste of the man's lips – and every other bit of his skin. Not a single one out of the three participants declined these tests, either.

Though,_ apparently_, Madara-San did not appreciate being groped from behind whilst talking to Leader-Sama. Apparently it 'simply wasn't professional'. But neither of Zetsu cared much for 'professional' and they had a feeling that Madara-San didn't either (on the inside). Besides, the look on Pein's face was always _priceless_.

AN: Hope ye enjoyed. Next one is written, and it is the last of the 'canon'. KakuHida up next! Though I'm still not _entirely_ decided if it will be uploaded as part of the Acracktsuki, because I gave it far too many dimensions for this series… Ah well. 'Til next time! The first crack pairing will be KisaKaku, speshully for Naraku'sKoibito. Remember, telling me your favourite crack pairing, or one you'd like to see, gets it written quicker. n.n


	6. KakuHida

AN: Welcome to the final 'canon' (aka, standard dominance in partnershippings) pairing of Acracktsuki

AN: Welcome to the final 'canon' (aka, standard dominance in partnershippings) pairing of Acracktsuki. KakuHida. There is some strong language, and references of a sexual nature, so young children are advised to consult with an adult before commencing the reading. Your emergency exits are here, here and here. Enjoy your flight.

**KakuHida – Hidan Hates**

Hidan hates feeling unclean.

He'll have a thousand fucking showers a day (wasting money that Kakuzu doesn't want to spend on the bastard) just to get rid of the feeling of imagined dirt on his skin. Kakuzu thinks someone (himself) should tell the zealot that water doesn't wash away blood – not _that_ blood, the blood that never goes away. Kakuzu should know. Some days he can't stop washing his hands; and he comes from _Taki_ of all places, you'd have thought he'd be able to wash it off _easily_. But no, it never comes off, never, never, never.

But Hidan hates feeling unclean. And he hates feeling tired or hungry or cold or horny (especially horny, and Hidan's a fucking _rabbit_ when it comes down to it) or thirsty or uncomfortable or too warm or too ugly and he hates, hates, hates missing prayers.

But prayers are important and Hidan will paint them over himself whether he's cold horny _or_ hungry – Lord Jashin-Sama has every answer.

Kauzu only has two answers. The first is money, because money will get you anywhere or anyone no matter what they say, in the end they're all just whores and he'll reason that it's only non-consensual if they don't take the cash in the end, and that _never _happens - if you have enough money). But he doesn't spend money on Hidan and it's for a number of reasons. It's mostly because, despite what Kakuzu will say to the contrary, the ex-Takinin is so damn eager to offer the other answer: himself.

When Hidan is cold, Kakuzu has body heat. When he's tired, Kakuzu will find a place to sleep and they'll sleep close together because without Answer One, there's no hotel room; without a hotel room there's no heat, and body heat is the only heat. And when Hidan can't control his human desires, Kakuzu will help him out in any way that the preacher growls at him for. Kakuzu's a whore too, and it is only Hidan who can buy him with something other than cash. Kakuzu's already been bought, sold, a slave to cold cash and to this figure of unimaginable desirability (and Kakuzu does not desire whatsoever to desire him).

After Kakuzu's offered his body heat, a place to sleep and a fucking that will leave bruises and scars even on Hidan's medical-miracle of a body, Hidan's not cold. Hidan's not tired. Hidan's not horny. But Hidan feels unclean, and he hates, hates, hates it so he'll take another thousand showers and Kakuzu finally realises that Hidan's not trying to wash off blood or imagined dirt – it's _him_.

And Hidan won't miss prayers because what he's asking for so desperately is not answers, but forgiveness. For sins that the sarcastic little bitch _wanted_ to commit so _don't come crying to _me_ about it, you fucking bastard – I want nothing to do with you! I'd kill you if I could and we both know it!_ It's a lie, it's a lie, and when Hidan walks over to him with swaying hips and a look in his eyes that just says _now_, Kakuzu can't resist him and they both know it.

So he tears him up and he sews him up like a fucking fucked-up nursery rhyme.

But then Hidan's tired, so they'll sleep with each other and it would be innocent except Kakuzu aches for more; for something untouchable.

And he watches Hidan wash off the feelings of sin and skin and words that were never said and never will be said because the heart in Kakuzu (the one that actually breaks) is not tangible but is some how more fragile than the others for it.

He wonders if, maybe one day, Hidan will, instead of washing him away, just kiss him, just once. But who would kiss blood or imaginary dirt – it'd just feel unclean and Hidan hates, hates, hates that.

Kakuzu _just can't get it right, can I?! _and that's what frustrates him the most because he just doesn't know what to do with Hidan, or what to do with himself when he gives the boy his body heat and a place to sleep and sometimes even his money, which has always been as sacred to him as Jashin has been (is) to Hidan. Kakuzu gets jealous of Jashin, and so maybe if he shares his money, Hidan will share himself. He's a whore, isn't he?

_Don't call me a whore, you motherfucking prick!_

_Or what – what'll you do? Cry to your God about it?_

_No, I just __**hate**_ _it when you… Never mind._

_What? Tell me, Hidan. Tell me._

_I hate it. I hate it when you insult me. You fucking bastard. You're such a fucking hypocrite. Don't fucking insult me, you're like a fucking child trying to get a little girl's attention!_

Hidan hates, hates, hates it.

_AN: Next up, KisaKaku. Not yet done, but should be completed shortly. And now, I really, really need to pee._


	7. KisaKaku

AN: Good evening, it's that time again! Well, you know that by now there's never specific time. XD It's KisaKaku for you – I know a lotta people like it. oO Well, this one is for Naraku'sKoibito in particular! 'Cause she's my most awesome reviewer. :3

I'm quite pleased with out this one turned out – I didn't expect to be able to get the idea down this well. If I read it through one more time, though, I –will- explode. :3 So you get a slightly less than perfect (in my opinion) version of this chapter. And the next chapter will be a DeiKisa. Feel free to suggest what you want after that one, you guys. :3

**KisaKaku – Night time.**

Sometimes they'll just sit there and discuss things. They never discuss each other's fighting style because it's way too easy to offend (the slightest constructive criticism could get you killed: they're both so quick to anger). They never discuss their own fighting style, because they know it's suicide if one of them decides to betray the Akatsuki. They usually talk about their partners.

It's well known that Kakuzu and Hidan are now a couple. You'd have to be _deaf_ not to know. Kisame knows _very_ well of their interactions at night – they keep him awake with Hidan's screams and Hidan's moans and the faint tearing of Hidan's flesh and the hard thunking of a Hidan's (or Kakuzu's) headboard against a wall. He hears the attempt to cover up the sound of (and this is the worst part) Kakuzu's grunting and Kakuzu's thrusting and then a strangled cry (if it's Kakuzu then the 'strangled' is metaphoric; if it's Hidan, then it's literal) and then it's quiet. Quieter, in any case.

Kisame can hear it all if he listens hard enough. He doesn't know why he does, because it makes him feel so very sick to his stomach.

But when Hidan's been whining so much that Kakuzu can't stand it, or when he's been spending money that he shouldn't, or when he's covered the entire room in blood, or when he's taking too damn long with a ritual and Kakuzu can't stand the teasing (because Kisame knows a lot about the stitched man, and was recently confided in that, actually, Hidan's graphic praying has turned Kakuzu on every time)… When this happens, Kakuzu will sometimes come and grumble to the man who resembles a shark so much.

They'll grumble about Hidan (Kisame thinks that if Kakuzu gets so frequently annoyed with the zealot, he should just dump him and find someone so much better; someone sitting right next to him, maybe?), and sometimes (much less frequently, as it's a lot less safe) they'll grumble about Itachi.

It's well known that Itachi and Kisame are now a couple. You'd have to be _blind_ not to realise. Which is possibly why Itachi doesn't realise that Kisame wants nothing less than he wants his partner. Itachi is too feminine and too pretty and perfect and obsessive and compulsive and much, much, much too… _not_ Kakuzu.

But Itachi had pinned him to a bed and Kisame had thought for a second 'what if Kakuzu gets jealous from this?' and he could think of nothing but complying with the weasel. Kakuzu had congratulated him the next day. Apparently the whole of the Akatsuki had heard them. Apparently Kisame was now expected to make this a lasting thing. Apparently Itachi thought that the blue haired man would now be happy to care to his every whim. Apparently (and this was the worst part) Kakuzu didn't care one bit, except maybe they had more in common now (a self-centred uke).

But now Kisame couldn't very well say 'sorry, this isn't working out'. That'd be suicide. Kakuzu was happy for him. Everything was falling into place; all of the partners were becoming lovers, becoming partners. Not becoming 'Kakuzu and Kisame'. Not becoming 'I want you, I want you, I want you more than I've ever wanted any other goddamn person or thing on this whole goddamn planet'. Not becoming 'make me scream like you make him scream, even if he does scream prettier'. Not becoming 'stay with me, I can't live without you'. Not becoming 'I love you'. Never a hope in Hell of becoming 'I love you'. Kisame didn't even _want_ an 'I love you'. He just wanted a 'one night only, one night and we forget this ever happened, okay?'

That would be Heaven.

But, just for now, they'll sit and complain about how Hidan won't stop talking about _his_ Heaven and how he'll never get there (if he can't die, then why is he trying so hard to meet his God?). Kisame privately disagrees with Kakuzu, because he knows that the zealot goes to Heaven every night. And every night, Kisame will screw up his eyes and he listens and he imagines that it's him in Hidan's place as Kakuzu takes him there.


	8. KisaDei

AN: Oh what, you thought I'd gone

AN: Oh what, you thought I'd gone? Buahaha, CC will never leave! –ebil ebil-. So here's your KisaDei then. :3

**KisaDei** – Competition

Deidara is a proud man. He does not back down from any challenge, no matter how ridiculous. And if Itachi was going to give him some of _his_ dango (and Itachi never shared his dango) if Deidara won… Well, there was just no argument. He would have to win this competition. No matter how impossible it may have seemed – _nothing_ was impossible!

Unfortunately, it was actually getting in the water that seemed to be the hardest part. It was bloody freezing, and Deidara, now that he thought about it, didn't actually like swimming that much. But he had to do this, and Kisame was LAUGHING at him! The shark man, already so much in his element, was laughing at the blonde's reluctant edging into the Akatsuki pool. Why they'd gotten one was beyond him. Konan just said she wanted one, and Pein jumped had right to it. Deidara figured he just wanted to see his 'Angel' in a bathing suit. The pervert.

But that wasn't the task at hand! He had to get in this bloody pool and try and beat Kisame to the other end of it – a race. The blue man had even agreed to only use one arm, which Deidara found insulting, but the bloody Uchiha found 'necessary, if you stand even a fool's chance'. Deidara was not a fool, and he was going to win this race! The time for hesitant edging was over! The blonde shinobi jumped the entirety of the steps, instead of carefully toeing the second one, and ended up thrashing around blindly in the 'below zero, un!' temperature of the liquid.

"FREEZING, UN! FREEZI-arghglb-" His frantic bubbles of air through oxygen ceased as strong blue arms lifted the upper half of his body out of the water. The shark man was bloody laughing at him. So what if he couldn't swim? So what? What did it matter? Frantically turning his head away from the taller, older, stronger, _better_ man, it seemed like even the stars were mocking him (because _of course_ Itachi would have demanded that they hold the competition at two o clock in the morning when he couldn't sleep and wanted some entertainment – because of course _Kisame-kun_ wouldn't deny his _weasel_ anything…) as they looked upon the situation. But then again, he was almost grateful for the night time sky, hungrily replacing the sunlit shallows with moonlit depths. In space, no one can hear you scream. In the moonlight, no one can see you blush. Or, at least, you can kid yourself that.

But there were warm arms around him, holding him safe, turning his fragile body gently towards him. Where had Itachi gone?! The weasel had vanished, and he'd been left alone with the mutant of the Akatsuki (if you didn't include Zetsu, and to be honest, Deidara wasn't really thinking of the plant man at a moment like this).

The blonde's cheeks were flushed with pink, and he tried desperately to look away, a frantic stuttering of 'un, un, un' streaming from his mouth. He was trying to think of something, _anything_, to say, to dismantle this awkward silence that was building an unwanted bridge between them. He wanted to smash the connection he felt to the other right then. But at the same time, he wanted to be so much closer, and… was that a flush on Kisame's face? No, it couldn't be… But the blood had tinted his cheeks and the steady blue had become a rather endearing shade of lavender behind daunting gills.

All Deidara could think of, as Kisame closed that final gap between them, was if the shark knew how to use those fang-like teeth to his advantage…

AN: Next up is our first typical role reversal. And that's all I'm going to say. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! :3


	9. DeiSaso

AN: It's been another while, no

AN: It's been another while, no? I'd apologise, but I never really _promised_ I'd be punctual in updating. :3 'Sides, my exams are coming up (not that I'm going to revise – it's just year ten, I have no need to). Wish me luck. So here you, our first role reversal. Well. It's a bit ambiguous in that aspect… I'll say no more, and leave you to read it then _review_ it, please? –lovelove-

**DeiSaso **– **Puppet Strings**

It should have been simple, really. Sasori was, in essence, a child. Okay, so that was complete bullshit; the man was over forty years old now. But he still _looked_ thirteen – it made Deidara wonder if he wasn't acting on some kind of weird, surpressed, paedophilic urge that he had never felt before. But no, Sasori was far more than a child. And the puppet knew exactly how to get what he wanted.

So really, when Deidara had had those days when he was just so horny that 'the usual' just wouldn't suffice (and oh, he'd had a lot of those days; Sasori felt sore from just thinking about some of those times), and the blonde was on top of the puppet, trailing his every inch of skin with hot mouths and scraping teeth and artistic tongues… It should have been simple – Sasori was _his_ instead of the other way around. It was a 'once every so often' situation, it didn't happen often. But it did happen and that was that and it should have been simple.

The thing was that Sasori _also_ had those days when he was just so horny that 'the usual' just wouldn't suffice. And he knew exactly how to get those breathtakingly (volcanically) hot mouths with slow, sensual, scraping teeth and masterful, godforsaken artist's tongues.

He'd get the younger (in age, not appearance) boy underneath him; get him begging for everything, anything that the redhead wanted him to beg for. Manipulate him like a puppet. Get him to say,

_Oh, Danna, oh – OH! – oh _**GOD**_, Danna, Danna…_

Get him to say,

_Un… uh, u-uhn…_

And then wooden lips would brush against the soft skin of the boy's earlobe and _he'd_ whisper,

_Take me. I order you to._

And Deidara would have no choice but to obey his Danna. He just couldn't work out if he was really on top. How could he bury himself inside someone, yet scream out _**MASTER!**_– it didn't make sense. It should have been simple.

It wasn't.

AN: I'll give you a nice surprise. The next chapter is actually already written. So you'll probably get it fairly soon. 8D

Seriously though you guys. I'd really like some reviews for this chapter. It was quite a hard concept for me to convey. I'd like to know if you think I've done it okay. –lovelove-


	10. HidaIta

AN: Started out as HidaKisa

AN: Started out as HidaKisa. Ended up as HidaIta. I'm not sure how. Enjoy. :3 Strong language ahead – but Hidan's in here, so I shouldn't have to say that, should I? The rating has been changed to 'mature' from all the mature themes that these chapters have been dealing with. Tell me if you think it should be changed back to T, please, because I'm not entirely sure if it's better.

**HidaIta – You Do Realise, Right?**

Hidan is immortal. As such, he has to constantly find new ways to entertain himself. As such, he has to find a fixture in his life so that he doesn't go insane. He needs a purpose.

That purpose is Jashin.

Those ways to entertain himself? They never really _have_ a theme.

But a big blue fish-guy is quite a fun way to pass the time, it seems. Watching his looks of surprise, horror, repulsion, confusion and (_oh, I'm more perceptive than you'll give me credit for, Itachi_) arousal, all consecutively passing across his face as he discovers that there really are no limits to Hidan's 'no death' policy.

Realisation – that's another funny emotion.

_You see, why the fuck would he choose you over me? He can do whatever he likes to _me_, it'll heal. You'll get scarred and you'll kill him for it. He's scared of you. You can't love someone you're scared of._

Realisation that he can literally fuck Hidan senseless (senseless: read, 'he doesn't have his consciousness to sense anymore, doesn't have anything but agony and death ringing in his ears') and not be fucking a corpse by the end of it all.

_You do realise, Hidan, that he's using you?_

_Aha, you're acting like you _care_ about me! I guess jealousy really does bring out the worst in people!_

_I simply cannot understand how someone would degrade themselves so… _willingly… _Why on _Earth_ someone would degrade themselves so far._

_Degrade myself?! You're fucking kidding me – I'm not fucking degrading myself! H-How is it degrading?! I… I-_

_Look at who you're fucking. I suppose your standards must be far less existent than I had previously given you credit for._

_Sh-shut the fuck up! Shut the fucking he-_

_Hidan, you must really be lonely. I…_

_What? You___**what**_?!_

_I pity you._

And that hurt worse than anything.

AN: I really want to try experimenting with some of the styles of some of my favourite authors, but A) I don't know if this story is the place to do it and B) if I could do it anyway. Besides, C) the next chapter is not something I like to write, so it will probably be a little late, as I have to find the motivation to write it. It's one of my least favourite Akatsuki pairings (after DeiTobi – and that drabble turned out more like a sneaky SasoDei –shifty eyes-). Anyway, I'll shut up naoo. :3


	11. HidaDei

AN: Can you tell I was sort of hiding from writing this chapter

AN: Can you tell I was sort of hiding from writing this chapter? I dun' much like this pairing. Oh well. 8D

**HidaDei – Remembering Hide and Seek**

_Albino, un._

_Blondie._

_Feminine, un._

_Look who's talking._

_More masculine than you, un._

_Yeah right._

_At least I don't spend all the budget on my hair, un._

_At least mine's a normal length, girlie._

_At least mine looks good, un._

_Mine is a damn sight better than yours!_

_Ha, yeah right, un. Yours is covered with wax and grease and shit, un._

_Shut up, it's fashionable!_

_And you call _me_ feminine, un?_

_Fuck off!_

_No, _you_ fuck off, un!_

_Shut the fuck up!_

_No, _you_ shut the fuck up, un!_

Hidan is so very good at hiding.

He remembers days spent in gypsy festivals, playing hide and seek with the other children. Children who didn't know what he was ('dirty Jashinist, ugly Jashinist, masochist Jashinist!') and would play with him without punching him in the face ('that's what Jashinists do – they hurt themselves!'). He was never a gypsy, but when the Church was burnt down and Lord Jashin-Sama saw him fit to survive, he had nowhere to go. So he played hide and seek with the gypsy children and they said, 'momma, can he stay for a while?'

He remembers days spent in a field with a shepherd who gave him some cheese and some milk and a bed to sleep in. And little Hidan told him, 'nothing's wrong, don't worry'. And little Hidan played hide and seek when he hid the burns. And he played hide and seek when the shepherd _found_ the burns before they healed, so that if the shepherd saw the drastic change, he wouldn't say 'Jashinist'. If he even knew what the word meant. At least he wouldn't say 'freak', which was a word that would hurt more than 'Jashinist'.

Hidan remembers days spent crying, and he remembers days spent laughing. He remembers days as a child when he'd sit on the pier and watch the fish. He remembers getting pushed into the water and coming out again laughing, because the other kids didn't actually want to hurt him. They were just playing. They weren't trying to drown him. It was okay. For the first time since the Church burnt down, it was okay.

He remembers days spent laughing when he wanted to cry, and he remembers days spent smiling when his heart was too heavy to ever mean it. He remembers days when all he could do was remember.

He remembers days spent falling in love.

He remembers days spent arguing.

He remembers yesterday, spent falling in love and arguing.

He remembers today, spent shouting and hissing and scratching and stabbing and breaking and hurting. Spent in love, spent so in love that he couldn't breathe. Not that he needed to.

He remembers tonight, spent lying in bed when Kakuzu has gone on a solo mission. Spent lying in bed and trying desperately not to whisper out a name when he arches into his own dirty touch. So he says, 'Jashin, Lord Jashin-sama, save me'.

He remembers tomorrow, and what it will entail.

But Hidan is so very good at hiding, so it will be no problem for him to hide a heavy heart and tears yet to fall (because all the oceans are made from his tears and he has no more tears left to cry with). He's so very good at hiding.

But what he doesn't know is that tomorrow he will not be able to hide from kissing the blonde shinobi.

You just can't hide from that.

You just have to listen to the blows you're dealt and see if Lord Jashin-Sama thinks you're worthy enough to survive them.

AN: Now I wanna write something going into Hidan's past. I can't remember which story gave me the gypsy idea, but if it's your idea, then please, by all means, take it back if you don't want me to have it. :3


	12. ItaKonan

AN: I'll let you in on a little secret

AN: I'll let you in on a little secret. I haven't proofread this. But I figured, what the hell, I'll give you it anyway. It wasn't immensely complicated and I don't think it needs the usual four read-throughs. So iiit's ItaKonan, for Isabelle Lestrange and otherrelmwriter, and all the others who wanted that. KonanIta will be coming up shortly, as there were a fair few who wanted that, too. But the next chapter will be KakuKonan, because you can never have enough of that beautiful kunoichi (by far the most beautiful of all the Naruto girls, in my opinion). And when those two next chapters are done, it's ItaDei. So requests aren't going to make a difference for another three chapters, so don't bother making them for now, okay? Here you go.

**ItaKonan – Pearls and Grace**

When she smiled – oh _God_, when she smiled. The whole world just seemed a little brighter, seemed a little happier. He could feel the warmth through to the pit of his soul and all he wanted to do was keep her laughing.

When she laughed – oh _God_, when she laughed. Waterfalls brushed shyly against her neck and pearls cascaded down into his heart. Pearls that _bound_ him to her, like a servant to mistress. Except that Uchiha Itachi was nobody's servant.

But when she cried – oh _God_, when she cried. He could feel his fingers brush softly against her cheek, a thumb move the tears silently away. He felt awfully like he was a grubby child, pawing at his mother's face for attention. But she sniffed quietly and moved her face away. Excuses became a barrier between her fears and his comfort. She didn't _need_ his comfort, despite his needing hers. He needed her tears to keep her real in his mind. She was nobody's princess, nobody's mistress. He needed to remind himself of that. And somehow, it made her a prettier jewel.

When she blinked, confused at his rambling, his 'slowly getting around to the point, but taking my own route at my own pace and in my own broken down vehicle' – oh _God_, she just had to _blink _and he was captivated. The sapphire strokes of eyelashes, fluttering hesitatingly down like a single butterfly lands, and then soaring solidly back up like an eagle to fly. The hiding of those gems of eyes, oh G_od_, the sapphires in her eyes.

He could barely see these days. But he could see her perfectly, and every image tightened her hold around his heart.

When he stuttered, he blushed. As crimson as his eyes, his cheeks slowly tinted, and it made her giggle – Kunoichi don't giggle, but it was worth throwing the rulebook out of the window for a day. One pale hand, graceful yet callused, awkwardly moved the strands of charcoal from his almost unseeing eyes, and he prayed to God that one day it'd return and he could see more than just the silhouette of an Angel. Perhaps he was dead already, and she truly was the Angel leading him to Hell.

When he moved his lip subtlety between his teeth and bit down harder than she'd realise, he didn't let the pain flash for one moment over his face. But it brought him to his senses and he realised that if he didn't say this now, then he never would.

When he told her he loved her, she smiled.

When she smiled, he couldn't see it.

He couldn't see anything anymore.

But when her lips brushed over his and the paint wasn't red anymore, but _pearl_, he knew what his answer was. And suddenly his heart didn't hurt anymore – just his eyes.


	13. KakuKonan

AN: this is for Daydrifter

AN: this is for Daydrifter. :3 Second person love. I maaaay have gotten a little closer to (or further past) the M mark than a lot of other drabbles… But I can't help it. Tentacles are just… Mmmmm. n.n' And Konan is so _very_ pretty. TTTT Combine it with writing in second person (which is one of my lovers, I swear)… Well. Let's leave it there, shall we? If you don't like Kakuzu using his tentacles in fanfiction, don't read it. If you don't like mentions of erotic asphyxiation (though they are _brief_), then don't read. Again, I'm not taking requests for reordering this at the moment. The next one will be KonanIta, the one after that will be ItaDei. I'll take requests again after they're done. n.n

**KakuKonan – Column**

Money can buy you anything.

When everything changes, money is constant. Money is the root of all evil. Money is the cause of all corruption and the reason for all darkness. Money is at the heart of anything heartless.

Money will buy you food, warmth, shelter, companionship… Money can buy you love. Money is the root of _all_ love. You'll believe this until the day you die, despite her not having a penny to her name.

Money can buy you a diamond necklace to place around her pretty neck. It makes you wonder if you don't want to _snap_ that pretty little neck of hers. So delicate: so _fragile_… You can feel your fingers around that slender column. You can feel, however faintly, her skin underneath your nails as they slowly (gently) scratch upwards. No marks are left, no trace of your corruption on that white column. Then darkened digits will slowly feel downwards, pausing briefly only to gently push down, hard, upon her windpipe and the inward curves at the base of her neck above her collarbone. She lets out a longing moan of pleasure – but you are not satisfied with only feeling the soft skin covering the easily shattered bones of her neck. Your hand trails down and you indulge yourself in the contours of her breasts, moving up and down with her breath.

That breath grows heavier as strings fly slowly from your wrists – they tie around her neck and she moans again, louder. A whore.

No, damnit, you didn't want this fantasy to make her a whore!

But you can't help it. Your mind knows what you want more than you do. Nothing covers her aside from dark blue and black panties – dollar bills are a twisted decoration to the hem, peering out like voyeurs to her show. A low purring of pleasure is emitted from that same heavenly column while black string twists tightly around the white, and you know you have never been more aroused. You want to wake up. This scares you. You don't want to wake up. Dreams are all you have. You know you're not asleep anymore, but your eyes remain firmly closed. You can't let this fantasy slip away. Fantasies are all you have.

Unfortunately, the day will be long and you have to speak to Superior on the subject of a forthcoming mission. And you will have to avoid her nymphlike body as she sits absentmindedly on a table, staring out of a window, perhaps, as she likes to do.

Still. The day has to end sometime. And maybe when night falls you can fall on a bed, close your eyes and continue your fantasy from where you left it. She gives you a little catlike smile. She's been waiting for you.

When everything changes, she is always constant.


	14. KonanIta

AN: Perhaps if I sneak in very quietly, no one will notice that this is very, very late

AN: Perhaps if I sneak in very quietly, no one will notice that this is very, very late? Ahaha! No joke – this took me forever to write. I restarted it about five or six times. Bloody hell! XD Ahaha, so here you go – some… Well, I think it's KonaIta? Yes, I assume it must be. But I've gotten a leeeeetle psycho after reading some luurrrvely Bleach and KH!crossover fanfiction, so there's some kinda weird PeinKonan in there. If you want me to, I may do a different one-shot (or perhaps even multi-chaptered?) to elaborate on that little theme. But it will be… weird. So if you want some weird PeinKonan from me, raise your hand. 8D In the mean time – here's your KonanIta! ((((additionally. Read Love Monster. If enough of you do, we might get a section for it on . 8D))))

**KonanIta – Crow**

_Because paper burns - and so was she by the fire that he lit._

There are few things that Konan hates more than the inevitable. She cannot change them! Death – it happens to all! Paper will burn and fires will dim and flames will die and ashes will scatter - inevitably. She cannot change the horrors that she will _inevitably _face – she cannot safe herself from Hell. There are _INEVITABLY_ two options. She will fall in love, get married, have kids, become a grandmother and _die_. Or she will fall in love with the wrong guy, get married – if she gets married at all – to the _wrong guy _and probably have kids with the guy who _should_ be right, but isn't right at all because all she wants is the wrong guy. Or she will simply die without achieving anything.

She will become Pein's puppet. It is inevitable. She belongs to him; she is his. He will protect her. He is not hers, for a toy cannot own her master. That was all she ever was. A toy. But her crow can give her so much more.

Konan has always loved birds – she has always loved the inevitable. She has always loved the safe, secure arms of destiny. She will die and she is grateful. She is oh so grateful to her merciful God; that he will guide her in life and one day, when it is her time, he will guide her to Death. And when he has deems the Earth saved, he shall guide her _in_ Death. He will join her again.

She hates Pein. She hates the way he looks at her, hates the way he lovingly caresses her face, as if his porcelain means everything to him. She hates that she always feels empty.

But, _oh_, when she looks at her crow… She is filled with emotions. A little child's doll with a heart and lungs and suddenly she can _feel_. It _feels_ like… Life…

Uchiha Itachi has no feathers but his hair is as soft and as dark as his wings should be. He has no hard crooked beak, but he has a mouth with perfect soft lips and if she very gently closes her eyes, then she can imagine that it is because he is going to kiss her. She almost giggles – like a child. A child and a crow.


	15. ItaDei

ItaDei – Danger

AN: Hey again, it's me! Sorry, life's been hectic. But it's the summer holidays now in England, so lots of time to write. I'll tell you a secret, though. I am actually beginning to hate Naruto. It's just the characters that keep me going. :3 Also, I PROMISED myself I'd finish this! AND I WILL. But please, if you want me to continue this a little quicker than a chapter every month (has it really been that long since the last chapter), then PLEASE just take two minutes out of your life to review. I know it sounds like it won't make a difference, but it really, truly does. Love y'all.

On the subject of this chapter? I'm truly sorry. I just hate ItaDei. And I'm very, very predictable. When I intensely dislike a pairing, I tend to creep in undertones of other pairings… Sorry in advance! But I think this is graphic enough for the ItaDei fans whilst keeping me from vomiting! n.n Onwards and upwards, to better things than this rant:

**ItaDei – Danger**

Deidara has always been attracted to danger. The thrill, the adrenaline, the 'I could die, I could've died, am I dead already?' of I all. When you can't breathe at all and you've never felt euphoria like you're feeling it now. He is terrified to die. He hates the thought of never being remembered. And corpses simply disgust him – much like the cold, dead gaze of Itachi's eyes.

He touches the hard, apathetic lines of the Uchiha's jawline, cheekbones. Lets the rough, moist tongues of his hands taint Itachi's face. And he knows he could die at any moment.

He remembers the first few moments where their tongues (the ones in their faces, of course) battled for dominance, when Itachi's hand grasped around his neck. He could feel his heart pounding erratically and he knows that it's probably only for the amusement of the Uchiha that he is not dead already. He could have _died_.

And it's in those moments of utter nothingness, where he releases and it's nothing but a hot white (or white-hot) screen over his eyes. When there is truly nothing more beautiful than this art. It is gone in an instant, but – in a way – the afterglow is almost eternal. But that thought makes Deidara feel guilty, so he does not like to dwell on it. _(It's okay, Danna doesn't _love_ you, it's okay to do this, Danna never _really _loved you) (nor did Itachi)_.

But nothingness (apart from the hot, white - white-hot - curtains that replace his eyelids for that one fleeting moment) is quite like an explosion, is like death, is like beauty. _Oh_ it's so beautiful.

When the Uchiha's fingers ghost over the scars and the indents of his chest, gliding _around _the _mutation_, he can't breathe and it's like he's already died. It's insane, it's terrifying, and it's nothing that a puppet could give him – only this puppeteer. So it's okay, it's okay, there's no guilt, only danger…

But Itachi is cold like a puppet – like a corpse – and Deidara has to keep his eyes open in case he screams out the wrong name (out of habit, of course). Corpses, puppets. They disgust him. They terrify him, and he'll never admit it.

But danger is _always_ terrifying, and Deidara is _always_ attracted to danger.

And that is the reason he can never stay away from Uchiha Itachi.


	16. ItaSaso

AN: Yada, yada, yada, I haven't posted in ages, let's skip the bullcrap because I don't have an excuse and you don't care

AN: Yada, yada, yada, I haven't posted in ages, let's skip the bullcrap because I don't have an excuse and you don't care. n.n The point is that I've refound my motivation to _write_, and write I will. I've also refound my Naruto muse. How alarming. O: Anyway, ItaSaso for ya (took long enough to get an idea), then SasoKonan for Darkfire. Then a chapter which I look very much forward to writing, so hopefully it won't be crap. So read the chapter and I'll bug you again at the end. n.n

**ItaSaso – Explanations**

Sasori is used to being in control. When that control is taken away from him, he has a tendency to (only within the safe fortress of his mind – he will never betray these thoughts and emotions by showing them to the outside world) completely panic. But of course, panicking really isn't productive, and Sasori doesn't actually, at times like these, _know_ what _is_ productive.

So he panics. And does little else to really stop the situation. And it's just because he doesn't know what to do. That's the only reason he allows this continue.

However, moaning isn't really panicking _or_ stopping the situation _or_ not doing anything at all. Moaning is encouragement. Which confuses Sasori a fair bit as to why he _is_ moaning right now. He feels naked and vulnerable and in the Uchiha's total control – and that scares him.

And the fact that he feels so naked and vulnerable and in the Uchiha's total control… It excites him. Somewhat. No, it doesn't at all. There is _no_ reason for him to be mo-_oh_ _God_ _do that again_…

He does _not_ want this at all, and feels so very out of control, so it really, really isn't his fault… But that's a hard thing to communicate when an explosive blonde walks in and finds you and his worst enemy on _his_ bed (they really should have moved, Sasori will think in hindsight, because Deidara's bed probably isn't the best place for this at all – not that there _is_ a best place for this… right?), with a puppeteer moaning like a whore (because it really _does_ feel that good after twenty years of ill-thought-through celibacy) and a raven smirking like a pleased cat _at_ those moans…

Yeah, it's pretty hard to really offer an explanation for something like that.

Sasori is still looking for a suitable piece of wood to replace his left arm. The explosion was quite painful, really.

AN: I keep my promises. :3 Time to bug you.

Okay, okay, basically: I want some requests. If you review, that automatically gives you the right to request. I wanna write some lesbian pairings, and I wanna write some sickfics (though not necessarily at the same time). So give me some pairings you want me to write, okay? Tell me what you're hoping to see soon in Acracktsuki. Tell meeee~. And I'll finish reading the last few months of the manga. Maybe. –shifty look-.


	17. SasoKonan

AN: Hello my lovelies~. Okay, we're back on track. I've got so many ideas to write, man. So many. Gonna be some Naruto updates and some Bleach updates and and yeah~~~. Anyway. You can start, from now, requesting pairings you'd like to see sooner rather than later. Please do. Right, onto _this_ chapter. Somewhat dark, but not as bad as other things I've written. It's a beautiful, but overdone concept, and I don't think I really did it justice. Well, you can be the judge of that. R&R, as always.

**SasoKonan – Doll**

She's just so beautiful, really. Yes, yes, Sasori knows that a lot of people are beautiful, and besides, beauty is only skin deep, but... Still. Still, it's just... Well, she's so beautiful and Sasori has always liked beautiful things. Like, well, art. She _is_ art.

Art is beautiful. Art lasts forever. She, oh God, Sasori can _make_ her last forever. What does Pein call her again? His Angel? Yes, Sasori can see why. Angels, after all, have already died. Immortal, yet dead. Ah, yes, well... Is that really such a _bad_ thing though?

He weighs it over in his mind. A beautiful china doll, yes, yes, it will be beautiful. Art, isn't it? Sitting on a shelf, smiling warmly, oh he can see it now... He shudders with all the warmth of that smile, and can barely take his eyes off her. She's speaking now, though, so he doesn't _have_ to. Just lets himself stare, unwavering, unfaltering, just staring at the china doll. A lot of horror stories, aren't there? About china dolls and little girls and brutal murders in the night. He lets the corners of his mouth turn up (if this were anywhere but their base, he would have restrained his emotions, but it wasn't as if he was on a _mission_ or anything).

She's finished talking. Sasori has not listened to a word she's said. Doesn't matter much; he doesn't particularly care, to be honest. China dolls don't usually have a working mouth; he'll have to remember that. Doesn't want to make her in any way imperfect. He'll replace her skin for porcelain, paint her lips red over the top of their cold, lifeless blue... She'll be more Sasori's angel than she was ever Pein's. Oh god, she's going to be so beautiful...

She smiles, almost concerned at him and the little smile playing around on his mouth without an easily understood reason. He smiles back. She'll be _so, so beautiful_ and she'll sit on his shelf without a care in the world. How perfect, how... Oh, she'll be _art_. Immortal. Preserved forever. Beautiful, just so beautiful.


End file.
